Ten
An unmethodical selection of quotes that are personally meaningful about myself or other autistic people I have known, from various books I have recently read about autism
‘I write obsessively. Even when I wasn’t publishing anything, I was still writing several thousand words every day. And this is a big part of why I write so much, I can often use my words in writing to talk about things I am unable to use my voice to say. And if I write about something, I develop a script of words that fit together to describe events, feelings, and motivations. So, often, when I am speaking about something I am actually pulling up scripts that I have typed out previously. I don’t type them out with the intention of them being scripts, I type them out as a sort of house cleaning. My attic (brain) gets filled with cobwebs (thoughts that won’t go away) and I have to communicate them in one way or another to be able to move them out of the echo chamber of my head and into an external reality where I am able to look at them more carefully and then let them go.’
Maxfield Sparrow, NO YOU DON’T: Essays from an unstrange mind
‘The diagnosis therefore was life changing; it made everything fall into place. I’m now learning more and more about myself every day. For example, during a recent visit to my therapist I realized that what she believes I am saying and what is my intent to express are actually two different things. She thinks I’ve said I’m feeling sad when I’ve meant to say I’m wistful and reflective yet accepting. It’s not the same as sadness; sadness is too simple. I realize then that it’s always been this way: others believing I’ve said one thing, but me believing I’ve said something very different. Also, when I’m observing things, describing how they are, people think I’m complaining. They think I’m unhappy about whatever it is, when I’m really not. Somehow my tone doesn’t convey my meaning. It’s a matter of perspective, I guess. How one person saying ‘It’s bright in here’ could mean it’s cheery and light, but it could also mean their eyes hurt from it.’
Indigo in Our Autistic Lives: Personal accounts from autistic adults around the world aged 20 to 70+ (edited by Alex Ratcliffe)
‘The more I descend into sensory overload, the more the Oasis Machine blender sounds like speaker feedback. It feels like my gray matter is being ground up with somebody else’s cotton candy coolatta, the blood-brain barrier bursting and filling the blended sugar water with chopped up lobotomy scraps. The oven beeps are car alarms, the overhead bulbs police lights.’
Nathaniel Glanzman in Spectrums: Autistic transgender peoople in their own words (edited by Maxfield Sparrow)
‘Liliana, an adult with Asperger’s Syndrome, conceptualized her intense depression as a ‘soul migraine’. We recognize the occurrence of a panic attack in typical people, which can occur very quickly and be unanticipated; the person has a sudden and overwhelming feeling of anxiety. In a depression attack, the person with Asperger’s syndrome has a sudden and overwhelming feeling of depression and there can be an impulsive and dramatic attempt at suicide.’
Tony Atwood, The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome
‘During this period Newton suffered confusion, memory loss, anorexia, acute insomnia, rage and paranoia. When the agitation subsided, he passed into a deep, despairing depression, in which he tried to break with all his friends, such as John Locke and Samuel Pepys. He wished Locke was dead, accusing him of designing ‘to sell him an office or to embroil him with women.’’
Ioan James, writing about Isaac Newton in Asperger’s and High Achievement: Some very remarkable people
‘Memories of being bullied, misunderstood, blamed or betrayed can intrude on their thoughts as an everyday experience, many years after the event occurred. The scene can be mentally replayed as an attempt to understand the motives of the participants and determine who is to blame, to achieve understanding and resolution.’
Tony Atwood, The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome